Quick Guide to 4G Internet Service

5 bars: Pretty good shot you can surf the web. Expect buffering on videos, except during the pre-roll commercials,  which inexplicably run smoothly no matter what.

4 bars: Only sites you don’t actually need for work will function properly.

3 bars: Easier to yell a friend’s name at the top of your lungs than get an email to him. But you’ll keep trying.

2 bars: You have a better shot at conducting a seance and actually making contact with your loved ones on the other side than reaching your living loved ones on the web. Text messages? LOL

1 bar: Throw the phone or tablet away, it’ll never rebound.

No bars: You’re basically living in Mad Max times, begin strip-mining the copper and other rare metals from your device’s motherboard. You’ll need them to barter with when Tina Turner’s goons come for your f***ing liver and kidneys.